All the feels

It's easy to get angry and let yourself get carried away with it.
I'm still just learning about Alzheimer's. So far, I hate it. I don't know how long it goes on for, I mean I know it's now til the end, but how long will that be?

And here I am again watching another parent die slowly over the next few years. It's torture. There is nothing I can do for her - I have to just watch it happen. Of course, I will try my best to make her feel safe and loved, but that's all I can do. And doing that is so very difficult. She doesn't seem to believe a word I say. How frustrating. It's like being a child again in that respect.

How is any of this fair?
Hasn't there been enough crap lately?

We're trying to make this move as easy as possible for her. I get frustrated easily and am having trouble when her thinking isn't straight. "Why isn't she more organized? Why does she keep running from room to room? Why doesn't she just pack up like we keep telling her she needs to do?"
I know this disease makes it impossible for her to concentrate. I know this, but it's still very confusing for me. It hasn't exactly sunk in yet, I think.

I am my fathers daughter, without a doubt. My patience is short, I'm becoming quick to anger. There is just so much pain.

The other day a driver changed lanes without using his blinker and I followed him into a parking lot and yelled at him out of my car window for it. "YOU DIDN'T USE YOUR BLINKER, JERK! YOU COULD KILL SOMEBODY!" I shouted. He shouted back, "I DID USE MY BLINKER. OPEN YOUR EYES!"
I drove away and pulled into a parking spot far way, out of view and bawled my eyes out. It was the day before my birthday.
I thought about the interaction and how I was taking out my anger and frustrations on some poor guy who didn't realize his tail light wasn't working. This isn't how I usually function. So I pulled myself together and drove back over to where he'd parked so I could apologize. I felt so terrible. His car was gone so I never got a chance to say, "I'm sorry." So then I felt even worse imagining how being yelled at by a stranger is negatively affecting the rest of his day.